And because I wasn’t a virgin – in fact, very far from it – when I met my now partner and the father of my one-year-old son, I am able to give my partner more of me.
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Like most women, I’ve been taught that my value depends on the number of times my vagina has been touched and/or penetrated. Thanks to religion and an emphasis on abstinence, I was told pieces of me would be taken away by those I decided to be intimate with, somehow becoming tarnished or less than or broken by the people who “had me”.
Thankfully, that line of reasoning didn’t stick.
In my promiscuous days, I didn’t feel different after I collected my things and walked out of the latest tryst’s bedroom. I didn’t feel dirty or shamed or slighted, because I chose to do an adult thing with another adult who also wanted to do that adult thing. I didn’t feel like I should apologize for the sex I was having—or who I was having it with—when the time came around and I decided I wanted to be committed to one man.
And because I wasn’t a virgin—in fact, very far from it—when I met my now partner and the father of our one-year-old son, I was able to give my partner more of me.
Because I wasn’t a virgin, my partner met a confident and self-loving woman.
Because I wasn’t a virgin, my partner met a woman who was self-assured and self-aware. I knew what I wanted, what I liked, and what I didn’t like. I had no trouble voicing all of the above to him; never shy about communicating my fantasies or talking about positions or any number of topics that fall under the umbrella of sex.
If we tried something and I liked it, I let him know. If we tried something else and it wasn’t doing it for me, I also let him know. I wasn’t afraid of appearing “difficult” and I wasn’t nervous about broaching a subject our society has deemed “taboo.” We were doing something together, and that required a few “yes, more” or “no, let’s try something else.”
Because I wasn’t a virgin, I wasn’t afraid to show off my body to my partner. I knew what it looked like in this position or that position, and felt positive and poised and assertive.
Because I wasn’t a virgin, my partner and I didn’t view sex as a “significant step” in our relationship. We didn’t put intercourse on a pedestal or assign some sort of value to the carnal time we spent together. It was an expression of our sexuality that didn’t pigeonhole one of us into a relationship or a commitment we weren’t ready for.
We could focus on other aspects of our relationship: trust, communication, exploration, and honesty. We made the things outside our sex life more important which, in turn, made our sex life that much better.
Because I wasn’t a virgin, my partner met a more complete and well-rounded woman. I had explored the parts of myself society continuously told me were “dirty” or “wrong” or “slutty,” taking full and proud ownership and an unapologetic stance regarding who I was, as a woman and a sexual being.
Because I wasn’t a virgin, I better understood the complexity of my identity and all the multifaceted parts of myself that make me who I am. I knew I could be professional and a partier and a girlfriend and a sister and a role model and, yes, wonderfully sexual. When so much of our life is spent trying to categorize ourselves as one thing or another, I knew I could be multiple things, all at once.
Because I wasn’t a virgin, my partner didn’t feel shame or guilt for his own sexual past. I didn’t ask him endless questions about the women he had previously slept with. I didn’t add value to his exes or his past relationships, just because they had been intimate. I didn’t consider him “ruined” or “used,” all because he had experienced other women.
So, if you’re in the midst of a budding relationship with a woman who is far from a virgin, be grateful. While religion or society—or, yes, even your pride—may tell you that she is less than or used or tainted, I can assure you, she is the exact opposite.
Because she’s not a virgin she is confident, well-rounded, self-assured and capable. She won’t hold sex up as the “end-all-be-all” and she won’t associate sex with commitment. She’s complex and multifaceted and capable of being multiple things simultaneously.
And if you’re not a virgin, that means so are you.
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